Reflections on the First-Year of Teaching

As a new teacher I was told a lot of things before starting, some of which have held true and others that haven't. I was shown the graph to the right before starting and told about the phases of a new teacher. I would say this isn't exactly my experience, but it also isn't far from the truth either. I think this year is one of the most valuable of my career and I don't want to forget what this experience was like so I am going to document it here.
So here is a brief overview of my first year of teaching (the first 5 months recorded in January and then updated thereafter).

August: Moved to Fairfax, arriving the evening of Sunday, the 18th to report to work at 6:30 on Monday, the 19th. Bad idea. It wasn't until now that I finally feel like I actually placed my stuff where I wanted it. I found a box in the closet the other day that I didn't even know never got unpacked. Won't make that mistake again. Anyway, there were two straight weeks of meetings. An extra week for me since I was new to the county (one reason I am not switching to a different county next year). They were a whirlwind. There are apparently a lot of resources I have access to that they told me about those two weeks that I don't remember at all. I also don't remember most of the important people I met. I remember being shocked at the size of the district: 86,000 kids in 90+ schools throughout the county. The county is the same land area as Owen County...we have 4 schools. The high school I teach at has 2100 students and I am one of five chemistry teachers. Their lab equipment is nicer than most of what I used in college. They require students to wear rubber apron for lab work which I had never seen before. The subdivision across from the school has a sign that reads "New homes from the 500s to the 900s!". Needless to say I was in a different world.
We had a work week before school started on September 3rd. I didn't have any units planned out, didn't know what units to cover, didn't know what labs to do etc. Luckily the other chemistry teachers were very nice and gave me all their stuff. One who had been teaching for 26 years told me that I would be behind the entire year but that was OK because all I needed to do this year was survive. I think she meant for that to be reassuring. It wasn't, it was scary! The other Pre-AP teacher who has been teaching 23 years told me that I got "screwed" when they gave my Pre-AP and Gifted. That week I was a ball of stress, nervousness, fear and a teeny bit of excitement. I mostly wanted the students to come so that the meetings would stop. Come they did.

September: Essentially, it was a blur. I don't really remember much of it honestly. I was like an out-of body experience. I felt like I was just going through the motions. Meeting my kids was scary. Three of my classes are gifted 10th graders so they ask hard questions about chemistry which I usually have to look up. However, they are all very respectful and motivated. My other two classes are general
chemistry with mostly juniors and seniors so I had to work harder to gain respect from them since they didn't see me as too much older than them. The involvement of parents amazed me as well. The Pre-AP parents email me wanting to know why their child has a B+ and the general chemistry parents are still pretty involved especially when I call home. I taught some stuff and I guess September came and went because all I know is one day it was October.

October: One of my students was in the colorguard at the school and found out that I did colorguard in high school. The school was without a colorguard coach so I was asked if I could help out some. I have a desire to help kids (hence the teaching career) so I said yes. In retrospect, this creating a lot of stress and time constraint that might not have been there otherwise. However, knowing what I know now would I have told the kids "no". No, I wouldn't have. I at least remember parts of October because it might have been the most busiest time of my life. I haven't decided if March of senior year with student teaching and my thesis at the same time was worse or not. That month I was easily working about 70 hours a week, all 7 days of the week. It just seemed like no matter what I did there was always more to do. I was having marching band practices during the week and either competitions or class on Saturdays. I was surviving by using one of the other teachers lesson plans, powerpoints and worksheets. I simply tweaked them to my liking. It was the survival mode that Harry Wong talks about. The whole month felt like I was hanging off the side of the building and someone would pull one finger off at a time until I would fall to my death. Sounds very depressing, but that is truly what it felt like. Glad that month came and went.


November: The first quarter ended at the end of October and the first week of November we had a teacher workday. That workday I made a binder of all my originals organized by unit so I could keep up with them and the notes I had made for next year. On that day I was caught up on grades, cleaned and organized my room and starting planning for the next unit. Due to that workday November was my month of rejuvenation. I made several inquiry-based lessons and finally felt like I was a good teacher at moments. Marching band ended and there were also several holidays which helped alleviate the stress as well. November was a good month for me. I thought that I had beaten the curve for the New Teacher Phases chart (at top) because my rejuvenation came several months early. I thought I had beaten the new teacher blues and wasn't going to fulfill the things that the veteran teachers said at the beginning of the year about always being behind and simply surviving. Key words: I thought.



December: Thanksgiving break fell at the end of November this year so after returning from home on that Sunday evening of December 1st, December turned into a mild version of October. It seemed that I could never get ahead in December. I was always just a day or two ahead with my plans and my grading (which I typically keep up with) was falling behind. There were only 3 weeks and I just kept counting them down until Christmas which would be my time to breath and catch up (haha). The rejuvenation I had felt in November disappeared quickly as reality hit me that I was still a new teacher and I didn't quite have a handle on it yet.As Christmas beak came and we packed for Kentucky I took lab reports and quizzes home to grade along with my textbook and computer to plan. Once I got there though I realized that perhaps what I needed more than anything was some time for myself. I needed to relax a little and spend some time with family and friends. I didn't realize how wound up I had been until I took some time to unwind. So I spent the week and a half of my break visiting family and friends celebrating 7 Christmases and 5 birthdays. It was a wonderful time that gave me the peace and relaxation I needed from the past 4 months of craziness. Although it was needed it did not help me overcome the mountain of grading that had piled up or the unplanned unit that I would start after the break.

January: Over break I managed to plan the first day I would return to school so I at least could survive Day 1. We drove back to Fairfax on New Year's Eve with the hopes that we could settle in before I had to return to work on the 2nd. We didn't even watch the ball drop we were so tired hat night we got back. On New Year's Day we drove around and bought/picked up furniture we had found on Fairfax to make our apartment feel more like our home. At school January seemed like the month of deadlines: the end of the month meant deadlines for second quarter grades, course recommendations, my technology portfolio (I hadn't started), my GMU final project, student recommendation letters and another course beginning. All of these deadlines on top of the fact that I still had a pile of lab reports from the middle of December to grade. My coach from GMU had encouraged me to ask her for help with anything including grading so I meet with her on Monday to help me. It is the 12th of the month right now and honestly I am tired. I am tired of putting in so many hours, tired of the continuity of it, just mentally and physically tired. The 6 months until summer seem like a lifetime away and I am just feeling done with it right now.
*So it is now May and I am reflecting back on these months.*
January continued to feel like I stated above, but luckily I was often saved by snow days. I literally prayed for them and thanked God when they came. I don't know how I would have got it all done and kept my sanity without these "workdays".

February: February is also kind of a blur. I remember "coming to" and realizing that it was almost mid-February because the crazy from January had bled over into the first weeks of February. Literally, sometimes I got to Thursday and finally remembered that we had a pet we should feed (Luckily Clayton was more aware than I, but how do you forget you have a pet!?) However, once all the projects were done and the deadlines were met I spent the remainder of the month digging myself out of the pit I had been in since December. I finally caught up on grading and made a reasonable plan for the upcoming units. I was feeling more confident in my teaching during this time because we were working on reactions and about to begin stoichiometry. I felt confident in my knowledge of these units and I had taught these in Bowling Green as well. I felt like I was starting to emerge back into the light after a long, dark winter spent underground dying. We were also still getting some snow days because of the crazy winter we had so that helped me to get things done. However, as I was working a lot I began having identity issues. Who was I besides a teacher? I didn't really do anything outside of school so there was no evidence of who I really was. Around this time we were doing a series at church about Missional Living and what it is to be a disciple and a missionary each and every day wherever you are. I realized that my identity is in Christ not in what my profession is. Teaching is a means of being a disciple. So I put a post-it note on my desk which has the following written on it: "1st Disciple, 2nd Wife, 3rd Daughter/Sister/Friend, 4th Teacher". This has helped me to not get lost in my work. I know that it is only technically about 2 days shorter than every other month, but it went by extremely fast.

March: March began really well. I had caught up from the dreadful winter, it started to get warmer outside so I could actually leave the house without completely hating it, we were making friends at church that we were hanging out with, Mattie was going to visit and I was teaching stoichiometry which is possibly my favorite unit. It felt like November again. I was on top of my grading and was getting all my work done. There were about two weeks of bliss at the beginning of March. However, I found the limits of the amount of personal life I could actually have and maintain my balance at work. Mattie visited for her Spring break which was the second week of March so I did the bare minimum work that week and took off one day, so I could spend the maximum time with her. Therefore the second half of March I fell back into catch-up/survival mode. The stoichiometry unit was over and I was supposed to be

starting thermochemistry which I had to completely relearn. So I was learning and planning lessons the night before, two days before if I was lucky, trying to keep up with grading and my own graduate course homework. I felt a lot of pressure to keep the kids on schedule since I was planning to be out for two days to go to AERA and NSTA conferences in the beginning of April. I think the students could feel the pressure they were under although they didn't know why and that increased their stress as well. It was just a very tense couple of weeks and my usual weariness, fatigue and stress of the year had returned. As an aside, I haven't had the bliss I had at the beginning of the month since then. There is just only so much room for a personal life in the first year (at least I hope it is only because it is the first year).

April: April is usually my favorite month of the year because I love seeing everything come alive in the spring especially after the long winter we have had this year. April also usually brings with it family visits due to Easter or my birthday, warmth and the beginning of traveling which I love. This year was no different. I began the month off going to Philadelphia to present with Dr. Duffin and Dr. Day at AERA and then heading up to Boston that same weekend to reunite with Noyce friends and attend the NSTA conference. It was a wonderful break from school which was much needed. I was able to have a little of a personal life and read a leisure book. When I returned from that trip there was only one week until Spring Break, so I began gas laws that week which I also am more confident in. On spring break my family came to visit the second half of the week for my birthday and Easter. I was a lot of fun to spend time with them and show them around the area. I got enough done with school to get me through the first day back from break. Mom and Dad left the Monday morning that I left for

school so there was literally no gap in between which was very tiring after entertaining for the week (Although I thoroughly enjoyed it!). I made an end of the year calendar (8 weeks left) because it made me feel better to see it laid out...and I can cross off the days. So I was finishing gas laws that week and I was starting to feel the pressure to finish all the curriculum and start reviewing for the SOL tests that would be in May (state tests that students have to pass to earn verified credit for the course to graduate). Weekly afterschool reviews were beginning and the county was paying for late buses to run everyday afterschool so students could attend these review sessions. It amazes me how much emphasis the county, students, teachers and parents put on these tests. It made me very nervous even though I felt like I was giving them a good foundation in chemistry. At this point some students were giving up because they had failed the first 3 quarters and administrators were pushing harder for students not to give up and not to fail. I fell back into the feeling of always being behind and living one lesson ahead at a time which is stressing and makes me feel inadequate. These feelings were building into a different beast though this time, but I didn't know that until the very end of April. 

May: I would say that throughout this year I have been optimistic. Although it has been an extremely rough year: working many many hours, the stress, the pressure, having to earn respect, learning everything from scratch, new area, making friends, etc. I have always been able to say, "It will be better after this..." Maybe after this unit, or this week or today, but I was always telling myself that the difficulty I was having and the way I was feeling (stress, inadequate, fatigue, etc.) was temporary. During the last week of April into the first two weeks of May I couldn't find a way to make myself feel optimistic. There wasn't one event that spurred it. It just slowly built the two weeks after spring break and it culminated the last Wednesday in April when I came home from school and just curled up in a

ball on the bed, not sleeping, just laying there. Clayton came home and we got to talking and it just poured out along with the tears. I cried for about 45 minutes and we decided that if I went to community group I would feel better, but during our Bible discussion I couldn't get the feelings and thoughts out of my head and I couldn't stop crying. By the time it was time to break up into small group and pray I was so tore up that I had a pounding headache and was a hot mess. We went home early so I could pull it together to go to work the next day. I thought it would go away the next day, but it didn't. I just realized how hard the year had been and that it wasn't going to get better this year. I was doomed to face the next 7 weeks of hell. I was doubting the profession in general. Did I really want to do this for years? The amount of work I take home? Was it worth what I was sacrificing? Was it worth what I would have to sacrifice when I had children of my own? If this is what God called me into then why have I been miserable the whole year? Nothing I seemed to think about could pull me away from these thoughts or brighten my mood. I was scared. I had never questioned my career (I wanted to be a school librarian in primary school!) in my life and I had never been unable to overcome sadness before. I was afraid that this was what depression felt like and that it wasn't going to go away. I was afraid that I had just spent four years earning degrees that weren't right for me and had committed to teach science for four years (because at the time I had absolutely no doubt I would do it for four years). I thought of the people I had criticized for quitting teaching after only one year, or one school, or one subject without trying something different before giving up the whole career, but now I wanted to be one of those people. I don't know that I have ever felt so broken and sad for so long of a time before. But thankfully God had placed us in a biblical community out here who were there to be supportive and encouraging. One woman, Bekah, emailed me with exactly what I needed to hear. She told me that "You have a special gift from God and whether he wants to use the gifts as a teacher or somewhere else maybe unclear right now, but what I hope you see is that what you are doing RIGHT now is impacting your school for His kingdom....Rather than constantly watching the clock and calendar for the end of the school year, I will pray that you can take it one hour at a time, one day, one week at a time and that God will show you grace and strength to endure these last 7 1/2 weeks...Your students, and frankly anyone you come in contact can't miss out on the joy your bring through your smile and caring nature!!!" For the next two weeks I did exactly that. I took each day and instead of focusing on teaching chemistry, I focused on how I could be a light to the students through teaching chemistry. It completely refocused me and made each day bearable because God showed me ways that I could be a witness for Him which gave me purpose and fulfillment. By the end of the second week I actually had a day where I felt good about my teaching. Before the only goodness in my day was trying to be a light for God. He slowly lifted my spirits and pulled me out of the sadness. I am now talking about next year and the changes I am going to make and how it is going to be so much better than this year. Although if God calls me into something different this summer then I am not going to be afraid to take it. I desperately need the rejuvenation of the summer and I am still not necessarily happy to go to work each day, but I am ecstatic that God has given me the opportunity to be a light to 149 teenagers. I hope that I can focus on my real identity and profession as a Disciple of Christ instead of simply a chemistry teacher. This trial has really strengthened my faith and refocused my daily walk.

While this turmoil was brewing on the inside, at school the month of May is crazy because of testing. AP tests began in early May as I was finishing curriculum and beginning review. My Pre-AP students took their SOL on the 13th. Every single one of them (58) passed and 74% pass advanced. I was ecstatic because it was such a relief to have the confirmation that I had taught them appropriately. I went and told all the other teachers, but with the exception of my dept. head no one seemed as excited. Their response was "that's what happens when you teach the gifted kids". I am not arrogant enough to think that I am completely responsible for their wonderful success. Yes, they study hard and are motivated, but the comments really stung. I just wanted some
encouragement and acknowledgement that I had done a good job this year. I felt like I had been trying to earn respect all year from students, colleagues, etc. and this was my evidence of my abilities. But instead it was credited to the students I had (which they do deserve a lot of credit) and I was told that they could teach themselves from a textbook. I cried in the planning office that day. I resolved not to tell anyone else until my general students' scores came in and were comparable to the veteran teachers' general class scores then maybe I would get some respect as a capable teacher. I don't want any special recognition or to brag. I just want someone to be excited with
me and see me as a colleague with something to offer. The days' schedule is always crazy because testing goes on the entire month so sometimes all my students are in class and other times half of them are in testing. I have been reasonably caught up on grading due to the decrease in assignments and will be out the next week to go to KY for KC's wedding. As my second graduate class started this week, I am excited that there are only 3 weeks left of the school year after this week. We are beginning to go on weekend trips again and the weather is wonderful which makes me crave summer even more. I can't wait to update you all on my last month as a first-year teacher! Goodbye for now!

June: It is officially over!!! I suppose it is only fitting that it ends the way it began in September: like a blur. There was a trip to KY for KC's wedding, final exam week for seniors, graduation and an underclassman final exam week. Schedules were not typical, there was lots of paperwork to wrap up the year and I was definitely ready for summer and a break from it all. Honestly I was counting down the days and dreading having to return in late August. I do know if this is what burnout feels like, but I was definitely bitter and harboring resentment toward my job. It seemed that all teachers were ready for summer and most were resentful and negative. The administrators seemed exhausted and trying to get the students to do anything was like pulling teeth. Attendance, for teachers and students, was spotty at best. There were days when so many teachers called in that they couldn't find subs and we had to cover each other on our plannings. It was not unusual for my general classes to be missing 5-10 students each day. The attendance office was a madhouse, especially Fridays. I went down to help out extra times since I had made friends with the attendance secretary. One Friday there were 6 pages of students leaving school early (a typical day has 1-1.5 pages). I did get some good news about the testing the previous month. I had all but one of my students pass the state test giving me a 99% pass rate! In class we did some fun end-of-the-year activities such as tye-dye and making ice cream in a bag since they didn't have to study for a final exam now. With my Gifted students I had them research STEM careers and present their work in a unique way. I was finally able to mentor and encourage critical thinking and creativity during this project which was fun. On the last days and in my yearbook the students were thankful and said they learned a lot, worked hard, were thankful I was their teacher, I made it easy to learn, etc. but those comments didn't decrease the resentment I had for how hard I had worked and suffered throughout the school year. I didn't have any students during the last four days of school because it was finals week (similar to that of a college) and all of my students were exempt for passing their state test. I was finally able to clean out the previous teacher's cabinets and really settle in to my room (ironic, isn't

it?). During the last couple weeks when I had finished my grading, etc. I actually was coming home at 3 or so. It amazed me how much free time I had. I could  come home, go to the pool, cook supper, watch TV and still go to bed early. I realized just how much I had been working all year and where my thoughts had been even when I wasn't working. I felt sad and ashamed at what I had caused Clayton to put up with and anger towards myself and the job that I felt those hours had been necessary. I promised myself I would put a limit on the number of hours I worked next school year. Meanwhile, everyone was starting to look forward to the next school year. We will have several new additions to our science department and possibly two more changes to the chemistry department this summer. I have been told that I will still be the gifted chemistry teacher next year. Currently I will have 3 sections of Pre-AP Gifted Chemistry, 1 section of Gifted General Chemistry and 1 hybrid General chemistry (half gifted, half not). However, that could change over the summer and we won't know for sure until a few days before school starts. For now I am excited for the summer: not working, mentally recharging, developing a personal life, spending time with Clayton and traveling!

Reflection: So towards the end of the year, I began to realize that if I changed all the things that I wanted for next year to improve my class then I would end up recreating the wheel again and essentially having another "first-year". Therefore, I have decided to focus my efforts on only a few things next year and then a few after that and so on in order to preserve my sanity. Next year I want to focus on serving my gifted students better both through the gifted curriculum and also differentiating my chemistry curriculum. I want to teach consistent lab techniques (keeping a notebook, moving the desks out of the way, washing the dishes, etc.), infuse student-centered learning experiences wherever possible and have at least one inquiry lesson per unit. I think these are reasonable and will be enough to do for the year. Before the year ended I also had decided to keep track of my working hours and set a limit on how much I worked. I decided that would be 50 hours per week, which means if I do 10-hour days (which is not at all out of the ordinary) then I can't work on the weekend. I'm hoping to learn to be more efficient and work smarter. I thought putting a limit on the work hours would protect my personal life and well-being, but on the last day of school I had a wonderful talk with two of the other gifted teachers. I was telling them about how I was feeling and what a rough year it had been. They Boundaries today and next year I plan to also put a limit on how I let teaching affect my thoughts, the way I treat people, my relationships and my overall happiness in life. This is harder to quantify and regulate than setting a 50-hour time limit, but I am going to try to not dwell on work when I am home and separate/discover my identities as a teacher and an individual. Hopefully, you all can keep me accountable :)
repeated what I had been told before that you can always find more work to do as a teacher and if you
don't regulate it then it will take over your life/identity. I agreed with them and I showed them my post-it note I had put on my desk in March which listed my roles in order of importance (1st = Disciple, 2nd = Wife, 3rd = Friend/Daughter/Sister and 4th = Teacher). One of the teachers said it was great and pointed out that when I left the school building that I had to be the first three. She told me about how she and her husband only talk about school (they are both teachers) on their 45-minute commute home. After that they shut it off and focus on their other roles in life. She pointed out that when I come home my husband doesn't want the teacher of the day, he wants his wife and if I am still thinking, stressing or worrying about school then I am still the stressed out, bitter teacher. The weight of this sunk in and I felt so ashamed at what I had put Clayton through, but so thankful for how gracious he had been this year. On her recommendation, I bought the book
I do think setting up boundaries in my life next year will help tremendously and it will be easier simply because of the wealth of information I have gained this year. Although I have seriously considered switching careers this year, I plan to continue teaching unless God calls me in another direction. I can't let go of the fact that I feel like I have been called into teaching my entire life. To all of you who have supported me during this year (my husband, my family, my community group, my teacher friends, etc.) I can't thank you enough!